Looking Back

1. Have you ever felt embarrassed by the things that you used to like?

There are few things in my life, who I am and the things that I like, that I am embarrassed by. If I like something, I’m usually open and accepting about it, and try to share it when I can. The things that I like and believe in are a part of who I am. This conviction extends further to my past, to who I was and the things I used to like. Of course, there are many things from my past that I no longer feel a connection too. My past being a part of who I am, however, means that those things that used to be important to me have helped shape me into who I am today.

Let’s look back into elementary school, when my favorite game was Poptropica. I was obsessed with the game, and wanted to play whenever I could and whenever I couldn’t. I played by myself and with my friends, inside of school and outside of school. I remember falling asleep at night, wishing and thinking about Poptropica and excited for the next day when I could play again and pick up my mission exactly where I left off. I recently replayed my favorite Poptropica island. I had to make a new account, because I forgot my login information after all these years, but it was nice to start afresh. I wasn’t sure how it would go, but I actually had a lot of fun with it. It was just as hard as I remembered, but this time I was able to beat the island without the cheats and walkthroughs I relied on back in first grade.

But from revisiting the game, and replaying my old favorite island, I realized that for me, at this time, it’s the memories and nostalgia I play for, over the actual gameplay and story. Walking through those same paths and going through the same motions as my 6 year old self brings me right back to my childhood and gives me a certain sense of comfort and joy. I’m no longer immersed in the game like I was back then. Rather, I guess what I really want is to be immersed back in that world and time.

 Like I said, I still have fun with the game. But if I were to critically judge the quality of the game, personal feelings aside, there wouldn’t be too much to brag about. The way I perceive the game is much different from 10 years ago. One part of me wonders how I became so obsessed with this game. Another part of me wonders if maybe the quality of the game simply dropped in the years since. But I know that’s not the case. I’m playing the same game with the same islands as I did before. It’s not the game that changed, but rather me.

Though it is clear that I have outgrown this game I used to love, I’m not at all embarrassed by my once childish and naive excitement over Poptropica. Rather, I celebrate and choose to have fun with it. For me, it would feel like I was being dishonest to myself, and denying a part of who  I am, if I were to turn a cold shoulder to my Poptropica days and sweep it under time’s rug.

I try to look back on my past and who I was in terms of if I like that person or not, but rather as a  piece of who I am, a finished chapter leads to where I am now. Of course I no longer like everything I used to like. And I won’t always like what I like now. But, I won’t wish that I had never liked something. In the future, when I inevitably realize that I have changed, I’ll also try to not look back negatively on who I am right now. Personally, I'd rather look back on myself with acceptance and understanding rather than embarrassment and aversion.