Confidence

What are your secret survival strategies? 

There’s a philosophy I live by, that goes “fake it till you make it.” It’s generic and clichéd, but works, in large part. I have many fears and insecurities that people don’t see. I act in a confident, assured manner and work quietly through my failures until I’ve reached success. But even when I achieve my goals, it sometimes still doesn’t feel enough. I don’t feel enough. So there remains a thin film of fakery in my motions, to cover up my doubts inside. I don’t say things to inflate myself or go out of my way to feed an ego, but in a quiet, nonverbal way I can’t resist, I pull that film close to me, distorting what’s inside to everyone and myself.

The result is that my motivations become perverted; my fears become empowered, and I reach for success to keep my insecurities locked away and my thin cover, hiding my weaknesses, from being torn away. I see the reflection of how others see me sometimes. I see the confidence, the achievements. I see the smart student, the strong athlete, the good musician. I see the assumptions of control and assurance and ability, the blessings afforded by this smooth finishing.

The truth is, though, this protective layer doesn’t always help me. Part of the reason why it exists because I fear to be judged and looked down upon by my peers. The confidence and control that people see when they look at me falls apart easily. I myself try to buy into how I want to be seen; I want to believe myself to be confident and capable as well. But instead of that, the consequence of my fakery is that my self-image can crumble away at alarming rates, and I have a hard time moving beyond my fears. For example, when it comes to music, many of my peers, musicians themselves, regard me as a talented piano player. And while I do think that is true, I subconsciously feed that image, because I desperately want to prove it to myself. The result is that on stage, another element is added to an already challenging environment. I need to keep my image up. I need to impress, continuously, to justify how others see me. When it’s time to perform, all these thoughts and flawed motivations are a recipe for disaster. And upon my failures, my confidence crumbles. The treacherous footing my image teeters upon breaks away, leaving me to tumble down a cliff deep inside myself.

That’s the part I sulk. This entire process takes place inside of me, largely unnoticed by people. I’ve gotten better over years. I’ve clinged less over time to my shallow pride, and the length and intensity of my sulking has proportionally decreased. It’s gone from days and weeks to hours and days as I’ve become more accepting of myself, and tie my self-worth and esteem to deeper and more meaningful sources. I don’t know if I’ll ever “make it” in the way I want, so I want to make sure I don’t spend my whole life faking it.

“Faking it till I make it” has always been a survival strategy of mine. I’ve leaned heavily upon this mantra to get through tough times. But when I buy into the fakery myself and subconsciously disguise my fears, this approach becomes counterproductive. It’s important for me to be careful employing this strategy, to make sure I’m always being forthcoming with myself. I’m always reminding myself to stay grounded in my life. I am far from perfect, and sometimes I beat myself up too much for that. So perhaps my next survival strategy should be this: to accept myself for who I am, and have the confidence to show it to the world so that I may lose the need for my fakeries and begin to move beyond my fears.