Listening

Are you a good listener?

I haven’t always been a good listener. I used to listen only to respond, in between when it was I who was speaking. I would always be inputting my opinion, obnoxiously offering advice, always saying something but never really listening. To a certain degree, I must have conceitedly believed that my perspective was complete and accurate enough, that in listening my prerogative was not to learn and grow, but to lecture. So when I say that I am now a better listener, and put much greater weight on understanding others’ perspectives, it isn’t to say that I’ve always been this way or that I’m the perfect listener, but rather that listening for me has been a long and continuing learning process.  

I am deeply aware of certain differences and disconnects between people in society. I’m Chinese-American, and while I don’t think that Asians face the same kind of prejudice, the systematic and institutional oppression and discrimination, that other races in America face, I can still relate to the situation of minorities in general. Growing up in a different culture, trying to fit into a world where my ethnicity lacks representation, where I’ve struggled with stereotypes, gives me a perspective on issues of race that is difficult for a white person to grasp. This reality, of the challenge of understanding the situation of another person and identity that is not yours, is fundamental to why listening is essential. Listening is the first step to understanding and growing, prerequisites for developing a more equitable society,

On one hand, I am a minority in race, but on the other, I am a male in a patriarchal and male-oriented society. I haven’t always been aware of the situation of women and the discrimination women experience at every level of society. In the same way it is difficult for a white person in America to comprehend issues of race, it is challenging for me to fully grasp issues of sexism. I am rooted in my male identity even as I approach issues of misogyny, and the consequence of my inability to personally experience the direct effects of sexual discrimination is that in this imperfect world, my understanding is imperfect. No matter how hard I try, I will always be one step removed from living in the body and world of a woman in our society. And that means that I have blind spots that I don’t recognize and faulty beliefs that I can’t pinpoint. So I do the next best thing, that I can do; I listen, intently, to what the other side has to say.

On a larger scale, when it comes to the reality of sexism, I see a propensity of men to simply disregard the information coming from the other side when it challenges their worldview. Or they seek to explain their perspective, and somehow attempt to educate women about our sexist society. This is clearly problematic and backwards, and part of the issue hinges on listening. Rather than seeking to ignore or explain, the first inclination of men, when pushed in their blind spots and challenged by new ideas, should be to listen; to actively and deeply listen, to understand and believe. It is more important for men to listen and understand and cast their support than to say anything at all.

The prejudice and discrimination that arise from ignorance and detachment exist in many elements in our society, beyond race and gender. The difficulty in understanding the issues and reality of different people is the challenge, not the excuse in avoiding to do so. Listening is the open window that allows us a way to connect with each other when the front door, simply walking into another life and body, is closed.

Back to the question of whether I am a good listener. My answer would be I try to be, and I’ve gotten better and grown over the years. I am aware of the importance of listening, and I am aware of its relevance in our society and my life. Listening, not just speaking, has allowed me understand the people around me and build deep and meaningful relationships. When presented with new ideas that challenge mine, different perspectives that surprise me, I’ve learned to not disregard them or assert my opinion, but to attentively listen. Listening is a skill whose virtue I cannot laud enough; it’s a simple idea that we teach every little kid, yet is commonly misunderstood and overlooked.